Please Help Us Grow!

[Editor]

Warning: Too many Groaners at once can induce convulsive nausea.

[Editor]

12/22

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my emotions.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king red mark on his forehead

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


12/21

Jeff Foxworthy Rules!

You might be a redneck if any of your children is the result of a conjugal visit.


12/20

Why Do You Think They Call 'Em Groaners?

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Because it scares the dog.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


12/19

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


12/16

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


12/15

If at first you don't succeed, failure might be your style.


12/14

Before you criticize others, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


12/13

Exchange in a Bar...

"Lawyers are as*holes!"

"I resent that."

"Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an as*hole."


12/12

Jeff Foxworthy Rules!

You might be a redneck if...
You don't wear a shirt to work -- and neither does your husband.


12/9

Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.


12/8

Medical Advice

If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Keep away from children.”


12/7

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.


12/6

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


12/5

Health Tips

+ I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most people die of natural causes.
+ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
+ Whenever you feel blue, start breathing again.
+ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive.


12/2

Why do OB-GYNs leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


12/1

Henny Lives!

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

[Editor]

1/3/06

Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.


1/4

Have you noticed since everyone got a camcorder, we hear fewer reports about UFOs?


1/5

Games for When We Are Older

+ Sag -- you're it.
+ Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.
+ Kick the bucket.
+ Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
+ Simon says something incoherent.
+ Hide and go pee.


1/6

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


1/9

Fashion No-Nos for Seniors


-- Nose ring and bifocals
-- Spiked hair and bald spots
-- Pierced tongue and dentures
-- Miniskirts and support hose
-- Ankle bracelets and corn pads
-- Belly button ring and gall bladder surgery scar
-- Unbuttoned disco shirts and heart monitor

And last, but not least...

-- Thongs and Depends


1/10

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


1/11

Pearls of Wisdom

+ When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
+ She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
+ You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
+ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
+ The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.
+ A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


1/12

Barnyard Humor


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


1/13

If attitudes are contagious, mine might kill you.


1/16

Q: Why do people point to their wrists when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotches when they ask where the bathroom is?

A: Because the latter gesture might be confused with asking for a date.


1/17

You will be stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


1/18

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


1/19

Perks of Being Over 50

+ There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
+ You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
+ You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
+ You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into it.


1/20

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx


1/23

Words of Wisdom from Maxine

+ I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
+ I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.
+ All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.
+ My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.


1/24

Words of Wisdom from Maxine

+ Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a margarita.
+ Never let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
+ Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
+ To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.


1/25

Golf's Greatest Lesson

If you can't do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.


1/26

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


1/27

Signs of Menopause

+ Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than say you are not amused, you shoot him.
+ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
+ You change your underwear after every sneeze.
+ Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both."
+ You are not sure these are jokes.


1/30

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


1/31

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

[Editor]

2/1

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation. Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


2/2

Finally, a new bumper sticker for both political parties:

"RUN HILARY RUN'

Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front.


2/3

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill


2/6

BUSH'S NEXT MAJOR ADDRESS TO BE SIMULCAST IN ENGLISH

President Hopes to Reach Broader Audience, Aides Say


For the first time since he was elected President of the United States, George W. Bush's next prime-time speech will be simulcast in English, the White House confirmed.

With the president's approval ratings sagging, the decision to simulcast the speech in English was widely seen as an attempt by the president to make an appeal to a broader audience.

"The majority of people in this country are English-speaking, and quite frankly, we can't afford to ignore them any longer," one senior aide said. "Hopefully, by doing the English simulcast, we'll be reaching out to a lot of those folks."

Now that the decision has been made, next will come the hard work of translating the text of the address from Mr. Bush's language into English.

Davis Logsdon, a professor of linguistics at the University of Minnesota, was one of several scholars approached to do the translation who ultimately quit in frustration.
"The problem is that the language the president speaks, by most measures, is not a language at all," Logsdon said.


2/7

The Perks of Being Over 50

+ Your eyes won't get much worse.
+ Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
+ Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
+ Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
+ Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


2/8

I just got lost in thought, but I found my way out of there.


2/9

Two Reasons It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. No dental records.
2. All the DNA is the same.


2/10

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


2/13

The Best Thing About Being 104 Years Old:

No peer pressure.


2/14

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-- M. Facklam


2/15

Words of Wisdom from Maxine

+ Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a margarita.
+ Never let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
+ Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
+ To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.


2/16

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


2/17

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


2/21

Words of Wisdom from Maxine

+ I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
+ I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
+ Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
+ I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
+ Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?


2/22

Why Do You Think They Call 'Em Groaners?

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.


2/23

He who laughs last thinks slowest.


2/24

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-- Joe Weinstein


2/27

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


2/28

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

[Editor]

3/1

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.


3/2

Marital Tautology

A man needs a mistress to break the monogamy.


3/3

The shortest sentence is, "Go." The longest sentence is "I do."


3/6

If Henny Youngman Worked Blue...

Went into the 7-11 the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas. Clerk farted and gave me a receipt.


3/7

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

-- Robert Byrne


3/8

Groan On!

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A man who falls into an upholstery machine is soon fully recovered.


3/9

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-- Robert A. Heinlein


3/10

Rodney Lives!

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


3/13

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


3/14

My wife told me we needed to cut back on expenses, so I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up.

Then I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping with a receipt that showed $45 for makeup. "Wait a minute," I said. "I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.


3/15

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto woke up the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

"I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?"

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto was silent for a moment, then said, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo sh*t. Somebody stole tent."


3/16

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
-- Sir Barnett Cocks


3/17

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached and asked her name. “Carmen,” she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said.

"I chose it myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. So...what’s your name?"

"Beertits.”


3/20

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


3/21

The Zen Couch Potato Says...

Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.


3/22

On Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.


3/23

Rodney Lives!

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."


3/24

By Sheila Morris

On Saturday my Jake and Addy (ages 8 and 6) were eating breakfast, when Jake said he needed a "freaking" something or other. That word is everywhere now, including TV and some cartoons. But I just don’t think it’s right for Jake to use it, and I told him so.

Jake immediately replied, "Daddy says it."

I said we needed to tell Daddy not to say it, either (even if he is saying "freaking" instead of something far worse). Then Addy chimed in and brought the matter to closure.

"Okay, next time Daddy gets pissed, we'll tell him not to say freaking!"


3/27

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

Her friend began snapping her fingers. "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


3/28

Must Love Dogs

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

-- Anne Tyler


3/29

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.


3/30

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. Unlike most hypnotists who select two or three subjects to be put into a trance, Claude specialized in hypnotizing everyone in the room.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, back and forth while quietly chanting, "Follow the watch, follow the watch, follow the watch...”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t!" said the hypnotist.

It took janitors three days to clean up the place.


3/31

Crimestopper Alert

Be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots all over Colorado.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back seat. Then both are begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I couldn't find them on Saturday.

[Editor]

4/3

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.
-- Robert Byrne


4/4

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey on the rocks. The minister said, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

“I’d like to change my order,” the hillbilly said. "I'll have what he’s having."


4/5

Few remember that Albert Einstein married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He said he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and he postulated that the appeal of large breasts is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This is known as Einstein's Theory of Relative T*tty.


4/6

Woman's Life Cycle: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???


4/7

K-9 Blues

Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.

Q: Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A: Right Where You Left Him.


4/10

Groan On!

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.


4/11

Bill Maher’s New Rules, 3/31/06 on HBO’s Real Time

New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. To wit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.

Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.

Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion?. No kidding. Really, you mean people are saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...too Jewish." In Savannah recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!

The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.

And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys. Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. The only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.

Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians." And that's who's running our country today. And since they thrive so much on turning water into "whining"—and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.


4/12

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


4/13

Here’s How Tough Jack Bauer Is...

-- If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

-- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

-- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it's fu*king beef.

-- When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

-- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.


4/14

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


4/17

Here’s How Tough Jack Bauer Is...

-- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

-- Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

-- There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

-- Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that p*ssy went to the hospital first.

-- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.


4/18

A mute wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is made. Now, if a blind man wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express that?

(He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.")


4/19

Here’s How Tough Jack Bauer Is...

-- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world four times. What the fu*k have you done with your life?

-- There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. That's basically the right way, but faster and with more deaths.

-- If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live seven seconds longer.

-- During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

-- "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f*cked".


4/20

Words of Wisdom from Maxine
+ He who dies with the most toys is dead.
+ A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
+ The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.


4/21

Running Doe, a young Native American woman, went to a doctor for her first-ever physical exam.

“You are in fine health,” the doctor said. “I did notice one abnormality, however. You have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing. How many people are in your tribe?"

"Approximately 500.”

“And what is the name of your tribe?"

"The Indiannippleless 500."


4/24

Rodney Lives!

I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


4/25

Cul Signs

Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a septic tank truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


4/26

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing it for years.


4/27

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.


4/28

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

[Editor]

5/1

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, “Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Wanna try it?"

The boys poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane and got quite wasted. The next morning, Bud woke up and was surprised by how good he felt. No hangover, no side effects...nothing.

Then the phone rang. “It's Jim. Hey, how do you feel this morning? Yeah? I feel great too.” Bud said, “That jet fuel is great stuff. We ought to do this more often."

Jim said, "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...have you farted yet?" Bud said he hadn’t.

“Well, DON'T, because I'm in Phoenix."


5/2

Partying is such sweet sorrow.
-- Robert Byrne


5/3

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


5/4

Most money is tainted. It taint yours, and it taint mine.


5/5

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.


5/8

Cul Signs

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."


5/9

The new drive-through ATM at my bank has separate instructions for men and women.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Roll down car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Roll window up.
7. Drive away.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward two feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for two to three miles.
27. Release parking brake.


5/10

A man isn’t complete until he’s married. And then he’s finished.


5/11

By Ed Uthman

In "Dubya's Brain" in Politics, Joe McQuade wrote, “Fifty years from now, the most enduring mysteries about American culture in our lifetime will be 1) How Willie Nelson became a musical superstar, and, 2) How George Bush was allowed to inhabit the Oval Office for two terms.”

To this list I would add 3) How anyone ever thought breast implants make women more attractive.


5/12

Catholic/English Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.


5/15

Life isn't a bowl of cherries. It's a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today might burn your as* tomorrow


5/16

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


5/17

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks which he wants. The boy takes the two quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” the barber says. “The kid never learns.”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! Why did you take the quarters instead of the bill?"

The boy licks his cone and says, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."


5/18

Rand McNally Zen

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


5/19

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the maternity call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and tapped him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed child what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "Smack his as* again! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!”


5/22

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


5/23

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


5/24

Doctor’s Orders

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


5/25

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for twenty dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This practice was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was downsizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, she had secured their financial future.

“Three million dollars!” her dazed husband blurted. “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given YOU all my business!"

That's when she shot him.


5/26

The Top Ten Old West ExpressionsThat Will Never Sound the Same After “Brokeback Mountain”

1. I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!

2. Give me a stiff one, barkeep!

3. Don't fret -- I've been in tight spots before.

4. Howdy, pardner.

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.

6. Two words: Saddle Sore.

7. Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.

8. Let's mount up!

9. Nice spread ya got there!

10. Ride 'em, cowboy!


5/30

In intend to live forever. So far so good.

[Editor]

6/1

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


6/2

Catholic/English Dictionary

JESUITS: An order of priests known for its ability to field good college basketball teams.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.


6/5

Carnac the Magnificent Lives...

A: Psycho Path.
Q: How Do Crazy People Get Through The Forest?

A: Polaroids:
Q: What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?

A: A Stick.
Q: What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?


6/6

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


6/7

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.


6/8

Cheer Up!

There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those pilates classes.


6/9

Cul Signs

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station, "Thank heaven for little grills."


6/12

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.


6/13

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


6/14

If you loan someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


6/15

Words of Wisdom From Maxine

+ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
+ God must love stupid people; He made so many.
+ The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
+ Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
+ Ever stop to think -- and forget to start again?


6/16

Reading while sunbathing usually makes you well red.


6/19

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


6/20

Way Cul Answering Machine Message

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


6/21

Aspire to inspire before you expire.


6/22

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.


6/23

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.


6/26

CHEER UP!
The worse things get, the less you have to lose.


6/27

Definition of a will: A dead give away.


6/28

When Faith and Reason Collide

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The skeptical little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

“And what if Jonah went to hell?"

"Then you ask him."


6/29

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


6/30

Every calendar's days are numbered.

[Editor]

7/3

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.


7/5

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.


7/6

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawnchair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into her eyes.

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."


7/7

For me, every morning is the dawn of a new error.


7/10

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


7/11

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.


7/12

Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


7/13

Q: If big-breasted women work at Hooters, where do one-legged women work?

A: IHOP


7/14

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.


7/17

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.


7/18

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.


7/19

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


7/20

Signs You Have Grown Up

-- Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
-- 6 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
-- You watch the Weather Channel
-- You hear your favorite song in an elevator


7/21

Signs You Have Grown Up

-- Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
-- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
-- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
-- You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
-- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


7/24

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.


7/25

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.


7/26

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?


7/27

Signs You’ve Grown Up

-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
-- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
-- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

7/28

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


7/31

Signs You’ve Grown Up

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and a pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

[Editor]

8/1

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes. I was in Vietnam for three years."

“That will give you extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"

"Yes, 100 percent. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer says, “O.K., I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m.”

“I’m confused,” the guy says. “If the hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"In your case, there’s no point. This is a government job, so for the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls.”


8/2

A man goes to the supermarket, where he sees a beautiful young brunette waving at him as she approaches. He is rather taken aback, because he can't place where he met her.

He says, "Do you know me?"

“I believe so,” she says. "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he blurts, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party?” He finds himself getting irritated. “My God, 15 of us must have taken turns with you.”

“No,” the woman says evenly. “I'm your son's math teacher."


8/3

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.


8/4

I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite.

I threw it up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, and then it came crashing back to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife watched from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

Finally she shouted, "You need a piece of tail."

“Make up your mind,” I replied. “Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."


8/7

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I said. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"No, all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, sailing, hiking, bicycling?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No, I don't do any of those things."

The doctor shook his head and said, "Then why do you give a sh*t about living that long?"


8/8

Little Johnny Lives!

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny' s family was invited over to see the child. Before they left, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life.. Little Johnny said he understood completely.

When Johnny looked into the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby!"

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. By the way, can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the doctor said he will have perfect vision"

"That's great," Little Johnny said, “'cuz he'd be sh*t-outta-luck if he needed glasses."


8/9

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


8/10

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


8/11

You know you’ve grown up when 90 percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


8/14

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


8/15

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


8/16

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

As we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, craving mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate following the loss. Their anguish was so profound, they declared a national day of mourning, which is still observed to this day.

Every May 5 is known, of course, as...

Sinko de Mayo.


8/17

Law of Probability

The probability of your being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


8/18

Signs You’re Living in 2006...

-- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
-- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
-- You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
-- You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
-- Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to get it.


8/21

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


8/22

Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are.


8/23

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


8/24

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


8/25

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


8/28

Thinking of My Ex...

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost as if you’re here.


8/29

Give a person a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks.


8/30

Simple Home Remedy

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


8/31

A back-woods church in Georgia had a new and very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played, which distracted the congregation considerably.

The church ladies were appalled. One of the ladies approached the organist very discreetly, suggesting that if she mashed up some green persimmons and rubbed them on her breasts, they might shrink. But she warned her not to eat any of the green persimmons because they are devilishly sour.

The organist agreed to try. The following Sunday morning the minister took to the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis beyond my contwol, we will not have a thermon tewday."

[Editor]

9/1

Simple Home Remedy

If you have a nagging cough, take a strong laxative. You will stop coughing.


9/5

Put It All in Perspective

Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.


9/6

Marital Enrichment Tip

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.


9/7

What Doth Man Want?

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


9/8

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


9/11

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.


9/12

Law of the Theatre

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle will arrive last.


9/13

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look. But your client didn't."


9/14

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


9/15

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

-- George Burns


9/18

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place.


9/19

You know you’re getting old when your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


9/20

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and that I’d have to quit. Then I noticed she spent $65 on makeup. I asked her why I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I said that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’ll be back.


9/21

You Know You’re Getting Old When...

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


9/22

Today's Acronym: PMS

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick


9/25

You Know You're Getting Old When...

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


9/26

I'm so old, I know my secrets are safe with my friends -- they can't remember them, either.


9/28

More PMS Acronyms
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweat pants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Potential Murder Suspect


9/29

Saddam Hussein Time Line

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

[Editor]

10/2

Isn't It Obvious?

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

10/3

Hmmmm...

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism?


10/4

Only In America...

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools


10/5

Jesus loves me – and shares my hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.


10/6

Rush to Judgment

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.


10/9

A blonde and a brunette work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early today. The boss’ll never know."

So they leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house.

In the morning, the brunette says, "That was fun. We should do it again sometime."

"No way," the blonde says. "I almost got caught."


10/10

You know you’re getting old when you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


10/11

Her job is to bitch. My job is to give her a reason.


10/17

Good news for the future:

Age and treachery always triumph over youth and skill.


10/18

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This major breakthrough addresses a longstanding women's complaint that men stare at their breasts without listening to them.


10/19

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.


10/20

Ipso Facto

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.


10/23

I like being old. My supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.


10/24

Conscience of a Conservative

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.


10/25

Fox Logic

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.


10/26

Decider-in-Chief Axiom # 27

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.


10/27

Henny Lives!

I never had a penny to my name, so I changed my name.


10/30

Groucho’s Last Joke

On his death bed, Groucho Marx was approached by a nurse with a thermometer in her hand. “I want to see if you have a temperature,” she said.

“Sweetheart,” Groucho replied. “Everybody has a temperature.”


10/31

Dilbert’s Dog is Sitting at a Computer, Mouse in Paw…

Frame One: I want to debate with people on the Internet, but I worry that I’m not smart enough.
Frame Two: Maybe I’ll just read what the smart people are saying.
Frame Three: Okay, I’m in.

[Editor]

11/1

Henny Lives!

I have 150 books, but no bookcase. No one will lend me a bookcase.


11/2

Henny Lives!

They have a new thing today called Nicotine Anonymous for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk together.


11/3/06
Henny Lives!

I’ll never forget the day I was practicing the violin in front of a roaring fire and my father came in, furious.

We didn’t have a fireplace.


11/4

Recent posts from "The Liberal Media" in Society:

By Jack Davis

Joe's wild eyed, idiotic, liberal attack on Fox makes me so angry I will send a proper rebuttal after I cool down a bit. In the meantime, consider that any vote for a Democrat is a vote for House Speaker Pelosi, who could possibly become president. (and Kerry secretary of defense?)


By Joe McQuade

Mr. Davis is obviously suffering from the Fox News Vapors. He should take two aspirin and turn his television off for one news cycle.


11/6

Henny Lives!

I knew a girl who was so bow-legged that when she sat around the house, she really sat around the house.



11/7

Some guy comes up to me and says, "Can I ask you a rhetorical question?" And I’m thinking, am I supposed to answer that?

-- Dwight York


11/8

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

--Richard Lewis


11/9

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara, and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion; Dad, she's pregnant and she assures me that we will be very happy, even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am. She already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams, too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need. In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she deserves it! Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in my desk drawer. I love you!

P.P.S. Call me when it's safe to come home.


11/10

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

-- Benjamin Disraeli


11/13

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

-- Fran Lebowitz


11/14

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I had lost exactly two weeks.

-- Joe E. Lewis


11/15

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

-- Sam Levinson


11/16

Henny Lives!

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.


11/17

My only regret in life is that I wasn’t someone else.

-- Woody Allen


11/20

Don't be humble; you are not that great.

-- Golda Meir


11/21

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

-- Calvin Trillin


11/22

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

-- Woody Allen


11/27

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

-- Sam Goldwyn


11/28

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

-- Groucho Marx


11/29

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

-- Golda Meir


11/30

Announcement:

Aliens are coming to abduct all the good-looking, sexy people. You will be safe. I’m just writing to say goodbye.

[Editor]

12/1

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five, I knew I was that one.

-- Mel Brooks


12/4

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

-- Oscar Levant


12/5

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

-- Sam Goldwyn


12/6

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

-- Milton Berle


12/7

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody loans him money.

-- Arthur Miller


12/8

I went on a bus tour last summer. Didn't take me long to walk through that.

-- Dwight York


12/11

Sound Medical Advice

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two tablets,” and "Keep away from children.”


12/12

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

-- W.C. Fields


12/13

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

-- Jackie Mason


12/14

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

-- Groucho Marx


12/15

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.

-- Henry Kissinger


12/18

My landlord called and told me he was raising my rent. I thought, well that’s nice of him. I wasn’t going to be able to come up with it on my own this month.

-- Dwight York


12/19

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

-- Grouch Marx


12/20

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

-- Groucho Marx


12/21

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.

-- George Burns


12/22

I have a friend who’s a pro boxer. He works at the end of an assembly line.

-- Dwight York

[Editor]

1/2

Just before midnight on New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and urged every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


1/3

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

-- Dave Barry


1/4

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.


1/5

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

-- Ernie Kovacs


1/8

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

-- Groucho Marx


1/9

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.

-- A. Whitney.Brown


1/10

I fear no man. I fear only my wife.


1/11

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

-- Groucho Marx


1/12

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.

-- Sam Goldwyn


1/16

Recently at a party I spotted an attractive woman standing alone. When I asked her name, she coyly replied, “Carmen."

That’s pretty, I said. Was it a family name?

“No, I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." Then she asked my name.

"Golftits," I replied.


1/17

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

-- Groucho Marx


1/18

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


1/19

Have you noticed that because everyone has a camcorder these days, there is less talk of UFO sightings?


1/22

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


1/23

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous press which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.


1/24

Gardening Rule

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


1/25

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."


1/26

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

-- Douglas Adams


1/29

President Bush was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when he turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said, "What would you like to discuss?"

“Oh, I don't know," said the president. "How about nuclear power in Korea and Iran?"

OK," said Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.-- the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

“Gosh,” Bush said. "I have no idea."

Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"


1/30

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


1/31

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Editor]

2/1

I used to be a proof reader. Now it doesn’t matter what the alcohol content is -- I’ll drink it.

-- Dwight York


2/2

There is a saying, "greed rules the world." I'm trying to get it copyrighted.

-- Dwight York


2/5

Groucho Lives!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


2/6

Saw this guy on the side of the road with a sign, “Will work for food.” So I gave him a coconut.

-- Dwight York


2/7

Bono, the lead singer of U2, is famous for being, well, precious.

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then he began to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Finally, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, near the front of the crowd, pierced the silence: "Weill, fukin stop doin’ it, then!"


2/8

Things You’ll Never Hear a Texan Say

+ We don’t keep firearms in this house.
+ I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
+ Checkmate.
+ I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.


2/9

George Carlin Makes a Bulletproof Case…

This is just one more way of starting a sentence with the word “this” and ending it with the word “that.”


2/12

Henny Lives!

I knew a guy who worked at a winery, stepping on grapes. He got fired one day for sitting down on the job.


2/13

Advantages of Legalizing Booze at Work…

+ Instant morale boost.
+ Employees tell bosses what they really think.
+ Carpooling increases.
+ Heating costs plummet.
+ Vacation time diminishes as most would rather go to work.


2/14

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

-- Roseanne


2/15

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


2/16

If there really are multiple universes, what do they call the thing they’re all part of?

-- George Carlin


2/19

My wife’s credit card was stolen, but I decided not to report it. The thief is spending less than she did.


2/20

What he heard her say: You're way too stupid to be trusted alone driving in bad weather!
What she said: Drive carefully, dear.

What she heard him say: You don't expect me to take care of the kids, clean house and make dinner, do you?
What he said: Feeling any better, honey?

What she heard him say: It's your lot in life to stop whatever you're doing in order to serve my every need!
What he said: Honey, do you know if we have any more triple-A batteries?

What he heard her say: Your right to independent thought and ability to form an opinion has been revoked.
What she said: I do.


2/21

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.


2/22

I try to do what I can to help those that are less fortunate than I am. Luckily, they're hard to find.

-- Dwight York


2/23

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I’d like to make a contribution to.

-- George Carlin


2/26

Groucho Lives!

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.


2/27

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

-- Elayne Boosler


2/28

If after 30 minutes at a party you haven’t spotted the A-hole in the room, that means it’s you.

[Editor]

3/1

If you cant’ beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

-- George Carlin


3/2

Houston Freeway Driving Tip

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between yourself and the car in front of you. If you do, the space will immediately be filled by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.


3/5

All I can say is that I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me.

-- Winston Churchill


3/6

A while back a friend of mine got caller ID. I’ve been meaning to ask him how he likes it but I haven't been able to get a hold of him since.

-- Dwight York


3/7

Groucho Lives!

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.


3/8

Signs You’re Getting Up There…

You sit in a rocker and can’t get it going.
Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You keep repeating yourself.
You keep repeating yourself.


3/9

Never answer an anonymous letter.

-- Yogi Berra


3/12

A creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The winning essay:

“My God,” cried the queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”


3/13

You Know You’re Getting Up There When…

Your little black book mostly contains names that end in M.D.
Your favorite part of the paper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
You can’t remember the last time you stretched out on the floor to watch TV.
You have a party, and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You sink your teeth into an apple, and they stay there.


3/14

One cannot leap a chasm in two jumps.

-- Winston Churchill


3/15

Is there another word for synonym?

-- George Carlin


3/16

Texas/English Dictionary

BARD – past tense of the verb, to borrow.
HEIDI – common greeting.
MUNTS – a calendar division.
THANK – to cognitively process.
BARE – alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops.
RANCH – tool use to tighten bolts.


3/19

Suburban Lament

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.


3/20

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.


3/21

You’re Getting Up There When…

You get cable for The Weather Channel.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples’ operations.
You run out of breath walking down the stairs.
Conversations with others your own age turn into “dueling ailments.”


3/22

They say you can’t have too much of a good thing. I wish I could have been part of that study.

-- Dwight York


3/23

Henny Lives!

I told my wife, “I love you terribly.” She agreed.


3/26

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

-- George Carlin


3/27

I always go to other peoples’ funerals. Otherwise, they won’t go to yours.

-- Yogi Berra


3/28

My girlfriend thinks I should be more understanding. I don’t know why.

-- Dwight York


3/29

Henny Lives!

Martha Raye kissed me. I lost my head completely.


3/30

Cold Case

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend, face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his rectum.

Police suspect a cereal killer

[Editor]

4/2

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

-- George Carlin


4/3

At my age I’ve seen it all, heard it all, done it all. I just can’t remember it all.


4/4

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


4/5

Wine and Water

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because booze has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of sh*t.


4/6

Although always prepared for martyrdom, I prefer that it shall be postponed.

-- Winston Churchill


4/9

If I’d known being a grandparent would be so much fun, I’d have done it first.


4/10

Veni, Vidi, Visa

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.


4/11

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.


4/12

It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.


4/13

In dog years, I’m dead.


4/16

My mother is the travel agent for guilt trips.


4/17

The Teletubbie Personality Test

Choose your favorite Teletubbie:

a. Yellow
b. Purple
c. Green
d. Red

Profile for women:

a. You are bubbly and cheerful
b. You are active and erratic
c. You are calm and reliable
d. You are bold and emotional

Profile for men:

If you chose a color, you are gay.


4/18

Good: Your hubby and you agree – no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: You son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.


4/19

Old age comes at a bad time.


4/20

In the United States, anyone can be president. That’s one of the problems.


4/21

Good: Your son’s finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections


4/23

I hope nobody asks me to show them the ropes. I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.


4/24

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with a wire running from his waist toward the electric kettle. To jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with the baseball bat kept by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, her husband had been happily listening to his Walkman.


4/25

Real Men Answer “C”

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


4/26

Thinking Outside the Watch

When you think about it, 12:15 p.m. is actually 11:75 a.m.
-- George Carlin


4/27

Guess Which Answer Can Get a Guy Killed

Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. No concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.


4/30

Molly Ivins Lives!

I still believe in Hope - mostly because there's no such place as Fingers
Crossed, Arkansas.

[Editor]

5/1

Deke Towelsnapper Lives!

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.


5/2

Molly Ivins Lives!

I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.


5/3

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

-- George Carlin


5/4

Why do mirror images reverse right and left but not invert top and bottom?


5/23

Molly Ivins Lives!

I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part and discuss it only with consenting adults.


5/24

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage?” Do some people actually cook that stuff?

-- George Carlin

5/25

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-- David Bissonette


5/29

The Petition

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her run for president, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and forward it to your entire e-mail address list.

1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.


5/30

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates


5/31

Baby Boomer Blues

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

[Editor]

6/1

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.


6/4

Baby Boomer Blues

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba--- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando--- Knock Three Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore--- It' s My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again


6/5

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


6/6

I had amnesia once -- or twice.


6/7

Molly Ivins Lives!

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.


6/8

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

-- Sam Kinison


6/11

They are not hot flashes. They are my inner child playing with matches.


6/12

Henny Lives!

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two nights a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, dancing. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


6/13

All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.


6/14

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

-- Patrick Murray


6/15

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who rode horses sidesaddle.

6/18

What exactly is a self-help group?


6/19

Molly Ivins Lives!

What is a teenager in San Francisco to rebel against, for pity's sake? Their parents are all so busy trying to be non-judgmental, it's no wonder they take to dyeing their hair green.


6/20

Marriage is the only war in which one sleeps with the enemy.


6/21

One nice thing about egotists...they don't talk about other people.


6/22

I know a transsexual. His only ambitions are to eat, drink and be Mary.


6/25

Molly Ivins on Camille Paglia:

There is one area in which I think Paglia and I would agree that politically correct feminism has produced a noticeable inequity. Nowadays, when a woman behaves in a hysterical and disagreeable fashion, we say, "Poor dear, it's probably PMS." Whereas, if a man behaves in a hysterical and disagreeable fashion, we say, "What an a*shole."

Let me leap to correct this unfairness by saying of Paglia, Sheesh, what an a*shole.


6/26

Henny Lives!

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


6/27

Molly Ivins Lives!

“Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”

6/29

Rodney Lives!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

[Editor]

7/2

You rarely run into a damsel anymore.

-- George Carlin


7/3

Here’s how to get rid of counterfeit money. Put it in the collection plate at church.

-- George Carlin


7/6

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

-- Milton Berle


7/9

My weight is perfect for my height ... which varies.


7/10

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair the same day, were asked if they had last requests.

“Yes sir,” said the first. “I so love dance music. Could you please play ‘The Macarena’ for me one last time?”

“Certainly,” the warden said, turning to the second condemned man. “And what is your request?”

“Please,” he said. “Kill me first.”


7/11

Molly Ivins Lives!

I have been attacked by Rush Limbaugh on the air, an experience somewhat akin to being gummed by a newt. It doesn't actually hurt, but it leaves you with slimy stuff on your ankle.


7/12

Two Secrets of a Successful Marriage

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


7/16

Molly Ivins on Ronald Reagan:

If he gets any more sedate, we will have to water him twice a week.


7/17

Advice For the Ambivalent Felon

Here’s how to get rid of counterfeit money: Put it in the collection plate at church.

-- George Carlin


7/18

You Might Be Trailer Trash If…

-- You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
-- Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
-- You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
-- You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
-- Your dad walks you to school because both of you are in the same grade.
-- The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas you have in it.


7/19

When people say “clean as a whistle,” they forget a whistle is full of spit.

-- George Carlin


7/23

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

-- Humphrey Bogart


7/26

It only takes one drink to make me drunk. I can’t remember whether it’s the 13th or the 14th.

-- George Burns


7/30

Ever notice how a four-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adult voices?


7/31

Note to Men

Listening: It’s not just something you do during halftime.

[Editor]

8/8

Molly Ivins Lives!

If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on that man’s head. (Molly on Dick Armey)


8/9

Molly Ivins Lives!

If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on that man’s head. (Molly on Dick Armey)


8/10

Is there another word for synonym?



8/13

Where to forest rangers go to get away from it all?

-- George Carlin


8/16

The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer.


8/17

Overheard in Houston Bar:

Enjoy it while you can. A man’s high-school foot speed is only gonna last 30-35 years.


8/20

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know I’m not blonde.

-- Dolly Parton


8/23

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

-- Erica Jong

[Editor]

9/5

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

-- Wendy Liebman


9/6

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-- Sue Grafton


9/7

I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

-- Roseanne Barr


9/10

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

-- George Carlin


9/11

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.

-- Frank Sinatra


9/12

Democracy is no harlot to be picked up on the street by a man with a tommy gun.

-- Winston Churchill



9/13

Henny Lives!

Now that I’ve learned to make the most of my life, most of it is gone.


9/14

Hints from Hannibal

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the off button.


9/17

Home Remedy

If you have a lingering, annoying cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will stop coughing.


9/18

Henny Lives!

Adolescence is the age between puberty and adultery.


9/19

I think; therefore, I am single.

-- Liz Winstead


9/20

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.

-- Gilda Radner


9/21

My idea of a good dinner is first to have good food, then discuss good food, and after this good food has been elaborately discussed, discuss a good topic -- with myself as the chief conversationalist.

-- Winston Churchill


9/24

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

-- W.C. Fields


9/25

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”

-- Gloria Steinem


9/26

Ratio of an igloo’s diameter to its circumference: Eskimo Pi.


9/27

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

-- George Carlin


9/28

You Know You’re From Texas When…

The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You’ve gone trick-or-treating when it’s 90 degrees outside.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You love all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season

[Editor]

10/1

2200 mockingbirds = Two Kilomockingbirds


10/2

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

-- George Carlin


10/3

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


10/4

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-- Gloria Steinem


10/5

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.


10/9

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

-- George Carlin


10/10

Henny Lives!

Alimony: Bounty on the Mutiny.


10/11

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

-- W.C.Fields


10/12

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

-- Dave Barry


10/15

The punishment for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law


10/16

The difference between a dog and fox: About five drinks.


10/17

I married Miss Right...I just didn't know her first name was Always.


10/18

Three Rules for Seniors:

Never pass a bathroom, never waste an erection, and never trust a fart.


10/19

Proctology Office Bons Mot:

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"God, now I know why I’m not gay."


10/22

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

-- Dave Barry


10/23

Henny Lives!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.


10/24

Terror Alert Levels in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


10/25

Terror Alert Levels for Liberals

Level One – “these bombings may serve to validate the conservative causes”
Level Two – “these bombing may serve to introduce raw undesirable facts of life into my fairy land world view”
Level Three – “these bombings may make me just as vulnerable to discomfort as those poor saps in the lower classes”
Level Four – “Oh, my God… I might be wrong ….”
Level Five – “Where are my second amendment rights? Somebody get me a gun, an assault rifle, a slingshot… anything”
Level Six – “Who is responsible for the inadequate military defense? The lack of manpower? Why don’t we have a stronger police? Where is the FBI? Will somebody, somewhere get these guys out of my back yard?”
Level Seven – BOOM!!! Um… Um… who is that big guy in the white robes, sitting on that throne??? Um…. Why am I standing in line to face Him??? Um…. Why do I have this sinking feeling that I am not going to enjoy this????
Level Infinity -- “I am going to spend eternity WHERE?”


10/26

Henny Lives!

Noah Webster’s wife, returning from a long trip, discovered the lexicographer “in flagrante delicto” with a pretty chambermaid.

“Mr. Webster,” she gasped, “I am surprised!”

“No, my dear,” Webster replied. “You are shocked; I am surprised.”


10/29

Henny Lives!

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late.


10/30

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for many years. He had a nice pond in the back along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer ambled down to the pond with a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. Soon he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. Coming closer, he saw several young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When they saw him, they all dipped down to conceal themselves.

One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to see you ladies naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slowly, but they can still think fast.


10/31

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

-- Dave Barry

[Editor]

11/1

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
3. Thank you, but I won't dance. I have no coordination, and I'd hate to look like a fool!
4. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to use this parking lot or the road side.


11/2

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go because, man, they're gone.


11/5

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She said to Dick Cheney, "That bird is so smart! George has taught him over 200 words!"

"That's pretty impressive, if you will," Cheney said. "But you do realize, don't you, that he's just saying the words? He doesn't really understand what they mean."

That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."


11/6

Overheard in Houston diner:

"She's a workaholic, but he's this prima donna welder…"


11/7

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

The face of a child can say it all – especially the mouth part of the face.


11/8

An 82-year-old woman appeared in her doctor's office and asked for birth control pills. When he asked why she could possibly need them, she said they would help her sleep.

"Why do think that?" the doctor said.

"Because I'm going to put one in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning."


11/9

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know it always gives you a headache the next morning."


11/12

Entymology 101

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.


11/13

Buffalo Winter Weather Alerts (All figures in Fahrenheit)

50 – Americans turns on the heat. Buffalonians plants gardens.
35 – Italian cars won't start. Buffalonians drive with the windows down.
20 – Floridians wear coats, gloves, hats. Buffalonians throw on a T-shirt.
0 – NYC landlords finally turn up the heat. Buffalonians have their last summer cookout.
-10 – People in Miami drop like flies. Buffalonians lick flagpoles.
-20 – Californians escape to Mexico. Buffalonians throw on a windbreaker.
-60 – Mount St. Helens freezes. Buffalo girl scouts start selling cookies door-to-door.
-500 – Hell freezes over. Buffalo wins the Super Bowl.


11/14

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our childrens' children, because I don't think children should be having sex.


11/15

The meek shall inherit the Earth, at which point you can take all the good stuff from the meek.

-- Joel Achenbach


11/16

Henny Lives!

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.


11/19

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

-- Winston Churchill


11/20

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

If you ever catch on fire, avoid looking at yourself in a mirror, because that would REALLY throw you into a panic.


11/21

Nursing Home Party Games

-- Sag, You're It!
-- Twenty Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
-- Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
-- Simon Says Something Incoherent
-- Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
-- Musical Recliners
-- Hide and Go Pee


11/26

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour: Knot Furlong.


11/27

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody flying forward in the future, it's probably best that you avoid eye contact.


11/28

The best things in life are free, but only if you take the time to steal them.

-- Joel Achenbach


11/29

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

-- Tom Waits


11/30

If this be a world of vice and woe, I’ll take the vice and you take the woe.

-- Winston Churchill

[Editor]

12/3

If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.

-- George Carlin


12/4

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

-- Henry Lawson


12/5

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

As the light changed from green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was life nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? It sure seemed that way.


12/6

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Davis

There have been stories lately about evolution and where we came from. I can accept that somewhere back in my family tree I had ancestors who spent all their lives in trees. I can accept that, not too far back, all my relatives were African.

What I have a hard time with is the thought that some of my kin-folks may have been French – or, just as bad, that one of those relatives may have been an attorney.


12/7

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite Year


12/10

Henny Lives!

I think of incest as sibling revelry, or a sport the whole family can enjoy.


12/11

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.


12/12

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


12/13

Although men are complete jerks, you know what makes me sad about feminism? Somewhere along the line we lost, "Hey, Toots!"

-- George Carlin


12/14

I get my exercise being a pallbearer for those of my friends who believe in regular running and calisthenics.

-- Winston Churchill


12/17

Henny Lives!

There's nothing wrong with my wife that a miracle won't cure.


12/18

It takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs.

-- George Carlin


12/19

Quaint Country Song Titles

-- I Ain't Never Gone to Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few
-- I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
-- Wouldn't Take Her To a Dogfight, 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
-- I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
-- It's Hard to Kiss The Lips at Night That Chewed My A*s All Day


12/20

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook unless it involves an open flame outdoors.


12/21

Manly Paradox

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever buy a man you love a chainsaw.

[Editor]

1/2/08

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."


1/3

A Man's Perfect Breakfast

You're having cereal and your son is on the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.


1/4

Four Religious Truths

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Catholics do not recognize each other at Casino Niagara, the Canadian Ballet or the liquor store.


1/7

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes.


1/8

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what's for dinner. Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the decision.

-- Benjamin Franklin


1/9

The best form of birth control for a man over 50: Nudity.


1/10

Jack, 92, and Sue, 89, living in Florida, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jack suggests they go in, whereupon he addresses the pharmacist.

Jack: We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jack: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jack: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jack: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jack: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.
Jack: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jack: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.
Jack: OK, we'd like to use this store as our bridal registry.


1/11

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


1/14

A cannibal walks into a jungle restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. The menu:

* Barbequed Tourist: $5
* Broiled Missionary: $10
* Fried Explorer: $15
* Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100

The cannibal calls the waiter over. "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"'

The waiter shrugs. "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."


1/15

If (Democrats) could just figure out a way to abort babies using solar power, that's all we'd ever hear about.

-- Ann Coulter


1/16

Does the mainstream media have a liberal bias? On a couple of things, maybe. Compared to the American public at large, probably a higher percentage of journalists, because of their enhanced power of discernment, realize they know a gay person or two, and are, therefore, less frightened of them.

-- Al Franken


1/17

Henny Lives!

What do you send to a sick florist?


1/18

Irish Toast

Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking. If you cheat, cheat death. If you steal, steal a woman's heart. If you fight, fight for a brother. If you drink, drink with me.


1/21

An American tourist in Mexico stopped at a restaurant. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious platter served at the next table. The aroma was wonderful, so he asked the waiter what it was.

"Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

"What the heck," the American said. "I'm on vacation down here. Bring me an order!"

"I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you place your order for tomorrow, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next afternoon the American arrived for his feast. After a few delectable bites, he called the waiter over. "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones you served yesterday."

"Si, senor," the waiter shrugged. "Sometimes the bull wins."


1/22

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

-- George Carlin


1/23

Creative Duffer's Instruction Manual

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earning
Chapter 6 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 8 - Using Profanity to Control Ball Flight
Chapter 9 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee
Chapter 10 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 11 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 12 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique
Epilogue - Why Male Golfers Pay $5 for a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, but Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender


1/24

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish the latest pronouncements of the Episcopal Church from the latest Madonna video.

-- Ann Coulter


1/25

A fanatic is one who won’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.

-- Winston Churchill


1/28

Irish Toast

May the roof above us never fall in, and may the friends below it never fall out.


1/29

Editor’s Notes

-- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice.
-- Remember to never split an infinitive.
-- One should never generalize.
-- Don't be redundant: don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.


1/30

If Mother Nature were male, power tools would grow on trees.


1/31

How Conservatives Can Start Each Day with a Positive Outlook:

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

(Tomorrow – Instructions on how to do Nancy Pelosi.)

[Editor]

2/1

Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused by any presidential candidate.


2/4

Hillary wants to be the first woman president, which would also make her the first woman in a Clinton administration to sit behind the desk in the Oval Office instead of under it.

-- Ann Coulter


2/5

In heaven there is no beer.

That's why we drink it here.


2/6

You will never get to the end of the journey if you stop to toss a stone at every dog that barks.

-- Winston Churchill


2/7

Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are very good at it.

-- George Carlin


2/8

Bush was lying throughout the 2000 campaign. And unlike Gore's lies about Love Canal, Love Story, and the Internet, Bush's lies weren't even true. Remember how Gore took credit for the Internet, which he funded? Bush took credit for a Texas Patients' Bill of Rights, which he vetoed.

-- Al Franken


2/11

Anti-Bush Bumper Stickers

Bush: End of an Error
Bush: Like a Rock, Only Dumber.
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Sex Anymore


2/12
Always proofread carefully to see if you words out.


2/13

Avoid cliches like the plague.


2/14

Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand .


2/15

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance


2/18

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.


2/19

The gravest danger facing most black Americans today is the risk of being patronized to death.

-- Ann Coulter


2/20

When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot's hands.

-- George Carlin


2/21

The voice-activated stereo in my new truck is amazing. I say Nelson, and it says, Ricky or Willie? I say Willie, and suddenly I'm hearing "On the Road Again." Then I say Ray Charles, and I'm listening to "Georgia On My Mind."

This morning a couple ran a red light and nearly hit me, but I swerved just in time. I yelled "As-holes!" and immediately heard the French National Anthem sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

God, I love this truck.

2/22

Henny Lives!

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.


2/23

The voice-activated stereo in my new truck is amazing. I say Nelson, and it says, Ricky or Willie? I say Willie, and suddenly I'm hearing "On the Road Again." Then I say Ray Charles, and I'm listening to "Georgia On My Mind."

This morning a couple ran a red light and nearly hit me, but I swerved just in time. I yelled "As-holes!" and immediately heard the French national anthem sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

God, I love this truck.


2/25

A Georgia redneck is in Maine on a construction job. Driving a back road, he sees a restaurant sign: Lobster Tail and Beer.

"Lord Almighty," he says to himself. "My three favorite things!"


2/26

Ed forgot his wedding anniversary, and his wife was angry. "Tomorrow morning,” she said, “I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds."

The next morning his wife woke up, looked out the window, and saw a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She rushed down, opened it, and saw a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing ever since.


2/27

Neo Con Bumper Stickers

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century


2/28

At Least Nixon Resigned.


2/29

Editor’s Notes:

One-word sentences? Eliminate.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

[Editor]

3/3

"Lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.


3/4

Henny Lives!

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.


3/5

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time, 1/100th of a second.


3/6

How Do They Do That While Walking?

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.


3/7

Spots are dots up close. Dots are spots far away.

-- George Carlin


3/10

Henny Lives!

A bachelor is a rolling stone who gathers no boss.


3/11

Irish Doggerel

Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
As the pub was shut for the night
When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
He stood in the pale moonlight

He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat
And all night long you could hear the mouse roar
"Bring on that fookin' cat!"


3/12

Congress recently approved tax rebate checks to spur the economy.

If we spend all that money at Wal-Mart, much of it will go to China. If we
spend it on gasoline, much will go to the Arabs.

The only way to keep all that money here is to buy beer, spend it on prostitutes, or play golf, because those are the only American businesses still based in the U.S. Your cooperation will be appreciated.


3/13

(Are all the American people who don't support Bush dumb?)

No. I think, as I indicated in my last book, they're traitors.

-- Ann Coulter


3/14

Journalists are pro free trade precisely because they know that their jobs are not at risk for exportation. That's the same reason why I've always been pro NAFTA, pro GATT, and pro fast track authority. I know that a 14-year-old Bangladeshi might be able to sew my sneakers (and he did a great job), but there's no way he could write this book.

-- Al Franken ("Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them")


3/17

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

The greatest love – the love above all loves
Even greater than that of a mother
Is the tender, passionate undying love
Of one drunken slob for another


3/18

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.


3/19

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


3/20

During his 1965 race for New York mayor, William F. Buckley was asked what would be the first thing he would do if he were elected.

His answer: "Demand a recount."


3/21

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are."

-- Bill Gates


3/24

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

-- George Carlin


3/25

If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough.


3/26

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.


3/27

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

-- Bill Gates


3/28

You Might Be From Wisconsin If…

-- You use ketchup on a grilled NY strip steak.
-- You think a cultural night out is three games at the bowling alley wearing a collared shirt.
-- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.
-- You buy cat litter every winter, but you don’t own a cat.
-- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.


3/31

As I got older I thought it was nice that I seemed to be developing more patience. Then I realized I just don’t give a shit.

[Editor]

4/1

Proof That the Dog is Man's Best Friend

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which is really happy to see you?


4/7

A gun-toting man robs a bank and turns to the first customer in line.

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The cowering customer says, "Yes...I did."

"Wrong answer," the robber says, shooting the customer dead. He turns to the next customer and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"No," the customer says, "but my wife did."


4/8

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. While doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction every time.


4/9

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.


4/10

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.


4/11

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


4/14

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


4/15

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

4/16

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


4/17

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?


4/18

Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'Lisp?'


4/21

You spend the first two years of their life teaching kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.


4/22

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.


4/23

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said


4/24

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own


4/25

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


4/28

Thirty-five percent of American women think their a*s is too big. Ten percent think it is too small. The remaining 55 percent say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.


4/29

You Might Be a Drinking Man If...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


4/30

You Might Be a Drinking Man If…

Your can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

[Editor]

5/1

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


5/2

Local Delicacies

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter what it was.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order!"

"I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday."

The waiter shrugged. "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."


5/5

Three mischievous grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. A notoriously grouchy grandpa walked by, and one of the gals got his attention. "We can tell exactly how old you are," she said.

"You biddies," he snarled. "How do you propose to do that?"

"Just show us your package, and we'll tell your exact age."

"And if you're wrong?"

"All three of us will streak the cafeteria at lunchtime."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to best them, the man dropped his trousers. They asked him to hop up and down a couple of times.

"You are 87 years old!" they said in unison.

Standing with his dignity around his ankles, the man said, "How in the world did you guess?"

"We were at your birthday party yesterday."


5/6

Moments of Genius

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


5/7

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


5/8

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


5/9

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


5/12

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


5/13

What happens if you get scared half to death -- twice?


5/14

Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


5/15

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


5/16

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.


5/19

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree when one said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

"I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


5/20

Texas Conversation Translated

Jeet
no, Jew
no, sgweet

Translation --

Did you eat?
No, did you?
No, let's go eat.


5/21


You Might Be a Talilban If…

-- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

-- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

-- You've ever said, "I love what you've done with your cave."


5/22

Couple in their nineties. Both are both having trouble remembering things. During a checkup, they're told that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later at home, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"A bowl of ice cream would be nice. Shouldn't you write it down so you remember it?"

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it, for crying out loud."

He toddles into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later, he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate, irritated.

"Where's my toast?"


5/23

Can You Solve This Puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop-off. On your right are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way, and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.

Q: What must you do to get out of this situation?

A: Get your drunken butt off the carousel.


5/27

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


5/28

It's Hell Getting Old

A man was telling his neighbor about his hearing aid. "I just bought it. It cost $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."


5/29

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."


5/30

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream shop and pulled himself slowly, painfully, onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he said. "Damned arthritis."

[Editor]

6/2

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great."

"Oh, yeah? What was the name?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

"A rose?"

"Yeah, that's the one." The man turned to the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


6/3

When a man barbecues, the following chain of events kicks into motion:

1. The woman buys the food, prepares the meat, salad, vegetable and dessert. She assembles the cooking utensils and sauces, then takes them to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

2. The man places the meat on the grill. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery, then comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

3. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

4. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

5. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes there's just no pleasing some women.


6/4

If the police arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

-- George Carlin


6/5

Round Top Knee-Slapper

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny.


6/6

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

When you go to a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is whether they ever press charges.


6/9

Betty and Barbie, blonde sisters, promised their seafaring uncle they would bury him at sea when the time came. Eventually, the time came.

They shoved off from Fort Lauderdale in a rowboat with their uncle stitched up in a burial bag. After some time Barbie slipped over the side to see if they were far enough out. "Nope," she said, "the water is only up to my chest."

After another hour of rowing, Barbie slipped over the side again and disappeared for a disconcerting interval. At last she broke the surface, gasping.

"Deep enough?" Betty asked.

"Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel."


6/10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "You sure you can keep your head down that long?"


6/11

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.


6/12

New Treatment for Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a severe sunburn, particularly on his upper thighs. He was admitted to the hospital with second-degree burns. The doctor prescribed an intravenous drip with saline, electrolytes and a sedative. He also prescribed a Viagra.

The floor nurse asked what Viagra would do for the burns.

"Nothing," the doctor said, "but it'll keep the sheet off his legs."


6/13

An 18-year-old girl tells her parents she is pregnant. Enraged, they ask who is responsible. The girl makes a phone call, and in five minutes a Ferrari pulls up in front of the house.

A mature, distinguished man steps out and bows to the family. "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I cannot marry her because of my family situation, but I will care for your daughter and her child the rest of her life. Your daughter will never want for anything. To the child, I will bequeath a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2 million bank account.

"In the event there is a miscarriage…" Overcome with emotion, the man pauses to compose himself.

The father places a hand on his shoulder and says, "That's alright. You could try again."


6/16

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion, galloping along at a steady and rhythmic pace. But the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but she cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


6/17

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."


6/18

The famous and profound philosopher, Willie Nelson, recently used the occasion of his 75th birthday to share his latest insight:

"I have outlived my d*ck."


6/19

Why a Gun is Preferable to a Woman

-- You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
-- If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
-- Guns function normally every day of the month.
-- A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
-- A gun can be fitted with a silencer.


6/20

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on the sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.


6/23

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

-- George Carlin


6/24

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.


6/25

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


6/26

The older you get, the better you realize you were.


6/27

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


6/30

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

[Editor]

7/1

Women like silent men because they think they are listening.


7/2

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesday afternoons?

7/3

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


7/4

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?


7/7

If you trial to fail and succeed, which have you done?


7/8

Why is it called tourist season, if we can't shoot at them?


7/9

You Know You're From Wisconson If…

In winter, your car trunk and your garage double as deep freezers.


7/10

A Swiss tourist traveling in Tennessee pulls up to a park bench to ask two good old boys for directions.

"Entschuldigun, koennen sie Deutch sprechen?" The two men just stare at him.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Excusez moi, parlez vous Francais?" Nothing. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Silence. Finally, the tourist drives away.

"Y'know," one of the men says, "maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"What for?" his buddy says. "That guy knew four of 'em, and it didn't do him any good."


7/11

I don't have hobbies. I have interests. Hobbies cost money. Interests are free.

-- George Carlin


7/14

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting 13....13....13.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting 14....14....14.


7/15

A man was washed up on a deserted island after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Over time the sheep began looking more and more attractive to the lonely man, but the protective sheepdog growled fiercely each time he attempted an overture.

Months later another shipwreck occurred and onto the beach washed the lone survivor, Hillary Clinton. The man's amorous feelings began to swell again, and days later he broached the subject.

"Given the situation," he said to her, haltingly, "I hope you'll understand what I'm about to suggest. Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


7/16

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.


7/17

Q: How do we know Democrats are better in bed?
A: Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.


7/18

If con is the opposite of pro, what is the opposite of progress?


7/21

If you can start the day without caffeine, face the world without lies and deceit, take criticism without resentment, and overlook slights from those who love you, then you are almost as good as your dog.


7/22

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, it is half empty. To the engineer, it is twice as big as it needs to be.


7/23

Q: What do you do, now that you're retired?
A: I don't have much of a chemical background, but one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer into urine.


7/24

Things You'll Never hear a Texan Say…

-- I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex
-- Duct tape won't fix that.
-- You can't feed that to the dog.
-- We're vegetarians.
-- Checkmate.


7/25

Polite Ways to Describe an Idiot

-- A few clowns short of a circus.
-- As smart as bait.
-- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
-- Her sewing machine's out of thread.
-- His slinky's kinked.


7/28

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I really like people to do what I say.


7/29

George Carlin Lives!

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.


7/30

George Carlin Lives!

Next guy who says to me, “Badda-boom, badda-bing” is getting kicked right in the nuts.


7/31

George Carlin Lives!

I was one of those guys at Woodstock who took the brown acid. Lemme tell ya something. There was nothing wrong with it.

[Editor]

8/1

George Carlin Lives!

There's a thing called shaken-baby syndrome that people get upset about. Personally I think you have to give them a good shake, or they don't bake uniformly.


8/4

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.


8/5

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


8/6

George Carlin Lives!

The following statement is true.
The above statement is false.


8/7

George Carlin Lives!

One reason for maintaining only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.


8/8

George Carlin Lives!

If I had my choice of how to die, I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames.


8/11

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said. "Disneyland burned down.

He cried and cried, but deep down I think he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.


8/12

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

If God dwells inside us the way some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting!


8/13

Henny Lives!

A pair of good friends, Frenchmen both, were walking down the Champs-Elysees one day when they saw two women approaching.

"Sacrebleu, Pierre!" cried one. "Here comes my wife and my mistress, walking arm in arm!"

"Mon Dieu, Heri," cried the other. "I was about to say the same thing!"


8/14

Henny Lives!

Football game: A contest where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.


8/15

Henny Lives!

While down South, a Yankee made a date with a local lovely. She wore a tight, low-cut gown.

"Lovely dress," he said.

"Sho' 'nuff?" she replied.

"Yes, it does."


8/18

Siamese twins walk into a bar.

Joined at the hip, one of them orders a couple of beers. The bartender attempts small talk.

"Been up to no good?" he says.

"Just got back from Ireland," comes the reply.

"Ah, Ireland. Wonderful country. The history, the beer, the people, the scenery…"

"Screw that," one of the twins says. "We go there because it's the only chance my brother gets to drive."


8/19

CuriousOne in "Language Matters" in Politics writes:

Michael Mukasey, Attorney General of the United States:
"But not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime."


Depends on the meaning of "crime," I guess.
Or of "law."
Or of "violation."
Or of "wrong."

And they made fun of Clinton about "is."

Sheesh.


8/20

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You are interested in hearing about other people's operations.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"


8/21

By Joe McQuade, from "Campaign 2008" in Politics.

August 20 brought us the political quote of the year. Not surprisingly, it came from Joe Biden.
Asked by the front-yard press corps about his trip to a landfill, Joe smiled and said, "It was a successful dump."

We want Joe! We want Joe!


8/22

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"Just want enough to buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response. He called the little boy over and said the mower wouldn't start.

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher smiled. "I can't curse. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to curse."

The little boy looked at him. "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."


8/26

Henny Lives!

Offspring of a prostitute: Brothel sprouts.


8/27

If you destroy a free market you create a black market.

-- Winston Churchill


8/28

George Will Registers Zero on the Self-Awareness Meter…

“DENVER – When Barack Obama feeds rhetorical fishes and loaves to the multitudes in the football stadium tonight, he should deliver a message of sufficient particularity that it seems particularly suited to Americans. One more inspirational oration, one general enough to please Berliners or even his fellow “citizens of the world,” will confirm Pascal’s point that “continuous eloquence wearies.” That is so because it is not really eloquent. If it is continuous, it is necessarily formulaic and abstract, vague enough for any time and place, hence truly apposite for none.”


8/29

Cat Training Guide

When you have to throw up, hop quickly onto an upholstered chair. If you are too ill to jump, find a Persian rug.

[Editor]

9/2

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You send money to PBS.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you sprawled on the floor to watch television.


9/3

You know you're not a kid anymore when you back goes out more often than you do.


9/4

Cat Training Guide

When a human opens an outside door for you, go halfway in and pause for several minutes, particularly during inclement weather.


9/5

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

-- Stephen Wright


9/8

You Know You're From Houston If…

Ninety percent humidity is a good hair day.


9/9

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.


9/10

Heartwarming Story

A young family moved into a house next to a lot where another new house was under construction. The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested she take her money to the bank and open a savings account. They went to the bank together, and the girl told the teller how she had earned the money.

"Oh my goodness," the teller said. "Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will," the girl said, "if those a**holes at Lowe's ever deliver the f**kin' sheetrock."


9/11

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


9/12

Cat Training Guide

When throwing up on an expensive carpet, move backward simultaneously so it is as long as a human foot.


9/15

You’re Not a Kid Anymore When...

Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.



9/17

Boolevard

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.

"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.

"Head on curb."


9/18

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


9/19

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.


9/22

What Inspirational E-Mails Should Say…

If you don’t value friendship, forward this e-mail to a friend.


9/23

Henny Youngman Does Time…

Take my parole officer, please!


9/24

Confused Art Buff’s Lament

When it comes to art, I know what’s good. I just don’t know what I like.


9/25

Cat Training Guide

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.


9/26

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

-- Stephen Wright


9/29

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

Number Ten:
Decorating the house (with plywood).

Number Nine:
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:
Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:
Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.

Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you.

Number Four:
Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:
Days off from work.

Number Two:
Candles.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:
At some point you may have a tree in your house.


9/30

You Know You’re from Yooston, Tegsis If…

When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don’t think he’s won the lottery; you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed.

[Editor]

10/1

Cat Training

Always accompany house guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.


10/2

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

-- Steven Wright


10/3

You Might Be From Texas If…

You've ever said "All Ya'll."


10/6

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-- Steven Wright


10/7

Please consider a contribution to George W. Bush's new presidential library at Southern Methodist University, with a satellite facility in Baghdad. The library will include:


The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.
The Economy Room which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Education Room, where every child in public school is left behind.
The Diplomacy Room, where only "friends" are negotiated with.
The Communications Room, where words like "nuclear" are mispronounced.

Late Breaking News: The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats -- $1000, or 3 Euros.


10/8

Male/Female Translator

"I was listening to you. I just have other things on my mind."

Translation: "I wonder if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."


10/9

Male/Female Translator

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


10/10

Male/Female Translator

"I can't find it."

Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I blew it off."


10/13

Male/Female Translator

"You look terrific."

Translation: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."


10/14

Southern Dictionary

Heidi: Exclamation; a greeting.
Hire Yew: Question; often used after Heidi.


10/15

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

-- Steven Wright


10/16

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


10/17

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?


10/20

Female-to-Male Translator

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


10/21

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?


10/22

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.

-- Brian O'Rourke


10/23

Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?

He walks around saying, "Yo."


10/24

What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.


10/27

George Carlin Lives!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?


10/28

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


10/29

I went for a walk last night, and my wife asked how long I’d be gone. I said the whole time.


10/30

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.


10/31

Whose cruel idea was it to have an “s” in the word, lisp?

[Editor]

11/3

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?


11/4

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


11/5

Glibido: All talk and no action.


11/6

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an A-hole.


11/7

George Carlin Lives!

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?


11/10

George Carlin Lives!

Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.


11/11

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

-- Steve Wright


11/12

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

-- Steven Wright


11/13

My mother has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said.

The trooper opened his pad. "What do they usually do, ma'am, shoot the tires out?"


11/14

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me.

-- Winston Churchill




11/17

Hicked on Phonics

Bard: Past tense of "borrow." Usage: "I bard my brother's pickup."
Jawjuh: State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanna.
Bammer: State west of Jawjuh. Usage: "A tornado whipped through Bammer and left $20 million in improvements."


11/18

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.


11/19

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


11/20

The only substitute for good manners is quick reflexes.


11/21

Best Advice For Women

Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.


11/24

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

-- Will Rogers


11/25

Never kick a cow chip on a warm day.

-- Will Rogers


11/26

Advice For Women

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

[Editor]

12/1

Men are all the same. They just have different faces, so you can tell them apart.


12/2

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it.


12/3

A good sense of humor isn't about telling jokes as much as it's about laughing at them.


12/4

Love is blind. Marriage is a real eye-opener.


12/5

Rodney Lives!

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.


12/8

You Know You're From Tegsis If…

The farm-to-market roads have seven lanes.


12/9

It's said that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why they're both recommended daily.


12/10

Rodney Lives!

I was such an ugly baby, my mother wouldn't breast-feed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.


12/11

Why Growing Old is Not So Bad…

Your investment is health insurance is finally paying off.


12/12

Rodney Lives!

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I want to throw up.What's wrong with me"

"I dunno," he said, "but your eyesight is pefect."


12/15

You Know You're from Tegsis If…

You have to turn on your air conditioner January…two days after a low of 29 degrees.


12/16

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

-- Will Rogers


12/17

Police Sensitivity

Chicago police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Chicago River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on sexual toy, and a Bush/Cheney t-shirt. Also, a cucumber was protruding from his posterior.

Police removed the t-shirt to spare the victim's family any unnecessary embarrassment.


12/18

Holiday Eating Tip

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.


12/19

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"


12/22

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


12/23

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.


12/24

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

[Editor]

1/5/09

Irish Ode to Beer

Of all my favorite things to do
The utmost is to have a brew

My love grows for my foamy friend
With each thirst-quenching elbow bend

Beer's so frothy, smooth and cold
It's paradise, pure liquid gold

Yes, beer means many things to me…
That's all for now – I gotta pee!


1/6

It's Nice Getting Older

My supply of brain cells is now down to a manageable size.


1/7

One Advantage of Getting Older

Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets.


1/8

Advantages of Going to Work Naked

-- Keeps those creepy guys in marketing from looking down your blouse.
-- You can see if it's like the dream.
-- Diverts attention from the fact you came to work drunk.
-- Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
-- No one steals your chair.


1/9

Three-Legged Dog Walks Into a Bar…

He sidles up to the rail, orders whiskey and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


1/12

Uh-Oh!

China has more English speakers than the United States.


1/13

Irish Toast

May you live to be a hundred years – with one extra year to repent.


1/14

The Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain said he wished to transcend dental medication.


1/15

I sent ten entries to the local paper's pun contest, hoping at least one would win a prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


1/16

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

-- Will Rogers


1/20

Five Things You'll Never Hear a Texan Say

1. You can't feed that to the dog.
2. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
3. Those shorts oughta be a little longer, darlin'.
4. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
5. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.


1/21

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

-- Will Rogers


1/22

Life in Retirement

My wife said, "Whatcha doing today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I didn't finish."


1/23

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

-- Will Rogers


1/26

A Survey of Driving Styles:

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Toronto: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why
the car behind is flashing high beams.
Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap.
Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.
Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.
West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.
Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.


1/27

Signs of Fine Age

1. You keep repeating yourself.
2. You keep repeating yourself.


1/28

Five-year-old boy walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the cashier.

“Do you know what these are used for?” the cashier asks.

“Not exactly, but I saw on TV that if you use them, you can swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, I can’t do none of those.”


1/29

Houston Driving Rule

You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houstonians tell the DOT where exits need to be built.


1/30

Houston Driving Fact

Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean a Loop 610 driver won’t flash his high beams behind you because thinks he can go faster in your spot.

[Editor]

2/2

Houston Driving Rule

Highway construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last chance to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.


2/3

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

-- Will Rogers


2/4

You Know You're Getting Old When…

You look forward to a dull evening.


2/5

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.


2/6

Sometimes you get.....and sometimes you get got.

-- Will Rogers


2/9

You're sitting on the bus and suddenly have a gas attack. Fortunately the music is very loud, so you time your releases to coincide with its crescendos.

As you walk to the front of the bus to leave, the looks on everyone's faces makes you realize...

...you've been listening to your iPod.


2/10

You Know You're Getting Old When…

…You look forward to a dull evening.


2/11

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

-- Will Rogers


2/12

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford


2/13

Houston Driving Rule

Highway construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last chance to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.


2/16

John Roberts has a new job title. He's now the "Justice Chief of the Court Supreme."


2/17

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

-- Woody Allen


2/18

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

-- David Chambless


2/19

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


2/20

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it
Whenever you're right, shut up.

-- Ogden Nash


2/23

Connubial Safety Tip

No husband has ever been shot while washing dishes.


2/24

Henny Lives!

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.


2/25

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.


2/26

You know you're getting old when you sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.


2/27

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.